Forgive me father for I have sinned. Oh wait. Wrong confessional.

It's been over a year since I've blogged. Too say the year has been insane would be an understatement. After losing Atom, I threw myself in the social scene, had a couple of guys sweep me off my feet, moved to another city 150 miles away, went to court 3 times (divorce & domestic violence related issues), bascially moved in with boyfriend and then moved out, had one of my best friends (and former boyfriends) attempt suicide, had a lot of crazy sex, and then ended up involved with a married man who's had a crush on me since high school. That last thing is still going on and I guess I'm getting back to blogging to try to straighten it all out in my head.

I see: the beauty in the souls of people
I need: to see reality a bit more, I'm too much of a Pollyanna
I find: life surprises me everyday
I want: everyone to find happiness
I wish: I could fix everyone and erase the pain of their past
I hate: not knowing
I miss: the passion
I fear: losing again
I feel: a little too much lately
I hear: one of my favorite songs: Hat Full of Stars by Cyndi Lauper
I smell: man. sweat. in my sheets. that doesn't mean what you'd think it might anymore.
I crave: another child
I search: for all the answers
I wonder: who's gonna catch me if I fall
I regret: wasting too many years with the wrong person

I hope you dance...

"Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider"

You've been on my mind and heart a lot lately. So many things I'd like to say...but it wouldn't be fair to you to dump that part of my head. I think you understand what remains unspoken.

I understand the hell you are going through. Oh do I understand and how I wished I could save you from that pain. Because you really don't deserve it. But you have to go through it. There is no other way. And it has to be done solo. But it doesn't make me miss you any less. Like you once said about me, you too light up a room. That smile might be dampened for awhile but my hope for you is that someday it will shine again. I've seen into that soul and it, like the rest of you, is beautiful.

I've thought a lot about things the last few months. I don't know why such things happen. Why us? Why not us? We are good people. We deserved more. If there is a God why would he want two such wonderful human beings to suffer so in the prime of our lives. Life has dealt you a raw deal on too many occasions...

I used to have all the answers. Now all I have is questions.

I only know this. I have never connected on such a level with another human being as I connected with you. I think you are one of the most spectacular people in the universe. Your eyes sparkle with a zest for life that few other people I've ever known have. As cheesy as it sounds, when I think of you I think of that old black and white movie with that line "I want to live!". We both want to live in a world without the pain and the sting of rejection we've known. We both deserved so much better than what we accepted for too long... I have no idea what the future holds, I don't know if I played a bit part or the part of a lifetime. I just know that my life is much better for having known a person of your caliber. You were always respectful, never played games, and were always 100% genuine. I can't think of too many men I can say that about, especially of our generation.

I know the stuff you are made of my dear. Its the same stuff I am made of, you know the whole splitting atoms bit. It was an observation. A profound one and I will never forget it. I still have my moments of weakness, my chinks in the armor but those scars-- the skin is stronger there. I hope one day you can see your beauty more than you can see those scars. I hope one day you feel deserving of all that life has to offer you. ALL of it. Someday, I hope you dance.

The first time and every time I hear this song, it reminds me of you, your sweet spirit and gentle heart.


I Hope You Dance lyrics
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder how he's doing...and I think he knows that. He's always going to have a very special piece of my heart. I miss him very much.

My spiral didn't go the way I intended. I did things I cannot say I am proud of but it was short and sweet and no longer term damage was done, I think. I just had to get out of my head for awhile and found someone who was more than willing to let me do that for as long as it lasted...

Sometimes, when didn't even know you were thirsty, life hands you lemonade. And all the rules and preconceived notions you have about things get thrown out the window. And its a good thing. I've stopped planning my life and started living it.

Its been a spectacular week. I think perhaps it is because my outlook and attitude on life has changed and I've allowed good to flow freely in and accept things I didn't even know I needed or deserved.

Life is good. No, life is great! For the first time, I am starting to appreciate the unknown-- what the future holds and enjoy the absolute now.

Absolutely fantastic. I'm enjoying every second immensely.

Finally something was timed just right ;-) Atom may have taught me to find my voice but Will, he is teaching me how to dance through life again and its amazing.

I forgot how completely awesome this song is...came to me in the shower this morning. Its really about how I feel right now. I'm sick of being blamed for everyone else's bullshit...I'm done repressing crap for everyone else's sake. I'm not sorry. ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS.


Express yourself, dont repress yourself (repeat 4 times)

Chorus:

And Im not sorry [Im not sorry]
Its human nature [its human nature]
And Im not sorry [Im not sorry]
Im not your bitch dont hang your shit on me [its human nature]

You wouldnt let me say the words I longed to say
You didnt want to see life through my eyes
[express yourself, dont repress yourself]
You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room
And silence me with bitterness and lies
[express yourself, dont repress yourself]

Did I say something wrong?
Oops, I didnt know I couldnt talk about sex
[i musta been crazy]
Did I stay too long?
Oops, I didnt know I couldnt speak my mind
[what was I thinking]

(chorus)

You punished me for telling you my fantasies
Im breakin all the rules I didnt make
[express yourself, dont repress yourself]
You took my words and made a trap for silly fools
You held me down and tried to make me break
[express yourself, dont repress yourself]

Bridge:

Did I say something true?
Oops, I didnt know I couldnt talk about sex
[i musta been crazy]
Did I have a point of view?
Oops, I didnt know I couldnt talk about you
[what was I thinking]

(chorus)

Express yourself, dont repress yourself (repeat twice)
Express yourself, dont repress yourself (repeat twice)

(bridge)
(chorus)

(chorus, with the following spoken substitutions)
[Im not apologizing]
[would it sound better if I were a man? ]
[youre the one with the problem]
[why dont you just deal with it]

(chorus, with the following spoken substitutions)
[would you like me better if I was? ]
[we all feel the same way]
[i have no regrets]
[just look in the mirror]

(chorus, with the following spoken substitutions)
[i dont have to justify anything]
[Im just like you]
[why should I be? ]
[deal with it]

totally retarded and need my ass kicked. Seriously.

Spent a little bit of last night and this night reading over my old Blogspot journal and all I can say is WOW. I've come a very long way in the past 9 months. And what a journey it has been. The mistakes I've made, the lessons I've learned. Amazing. Some things were choices, some with good results, others with unintended consequences. I've dodged a bullet or two. This week I would be due with my 2nd child. Thankfully that didn't happen. I cannot imagine what life would be like if I was stuck with Nick.

Reading over that has definitely given me a better perspective with regards to some of my current friends and their situations. Some of them are much further along than me, others are farther behind. All we can do is be there for each other, trust one another, be an open ear and heart and refrain from judging. When it comes down to it, all I can say is you've come a long way baby, yet so much further to go.

Me. I'm just freaking happy I am not stocking up on diapers this week.



Shadow on the Wall
By Brandi Carlile

Gone, it's hard for me to see when I'm wrong / It's hard for me to weep when I'm strong / But I can never sleep when you're gone / Hope, but still, if you were gonna crucify me / I wouldn't want nobody to see / Cause you could kick me hard when I'm down

down down down

I don't want to be / Nobody's fool / I played that part so many times before

And how I long to be / A shadow on the wall / I would make no sound at all / And when the sun goes down / The shadow on the wall / It cannot be seen at all / At all

For real, hey it's not that you would mess with my head / I believe you believe what you said / You think you know me best and you care / But that's not fair / Cause I don't really want to be saved / It must have been the way I was raised / To sleep with one eye open I'd say

hey hey hey

Well I don't want to be / Nobody's fool / I've played that part so many times before

How I long to be / A shadow on the wall / I would make no sound at all / And when the sun goes down / The shadow on the wall / It cannot be seen at all / At all

And how I long to be / A shadow on the wall / I would make no sound at all / At all

It was a good enough day and I am wiped out. Below is another quote from my wonderful friend. It is actually from the author of a book I recommended to Atom recently ironically. I love these daily quotes; this one was emailed as he was in Bogota, Columbia. Now that's a dedicated friend, eh?!

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
~ Melody Beattie

Battling lots of "little demons" lately despite all the fun I've been having socially and so I'm thinking of starting an additional "spiritual-type" journal. Something to chronicle this two steps forward, one step back journey to enlightenment.

Writing, for as piss poor as I am at it, is really cathartic for me. Maybe I've just read too much Kerouac and write without stopping to compose. My english/grammar/spelling skills have gone to hell. At my old job, my "other title" was Spelling Nazi. Regardless of my "skill level", it clears my head, puts things in perspective, sheds new light.

I will keep you posted on what I come up with...the search for a clever address/title may take me a few days. With as much as Aaron & I have been talking about all things spiritual, I think I need to journal some of the stuff I've been coming up with. I've been itching to go to the Dali Museum and think I will take the Chicklet Saturday after we go on our group kayaking outing, maybe that will inspire something...Dali usually does.