Forgive me father for I have sinned. Oh wait. Wrong confessional.

It's been over a year since I've blogged. Too say the year has been insane would be an understatement. After losing Atom, I threw myself in the social scene, had a couple of guys sweep me off my feet, moved to another city 150 miles away, went to court 3 times (divorce & domestic violence related issues), bascially moved in with boyfriend and then moved out, had one of my best friends (and former boyfriends) attempt suicide, had a lot of crazy sex, and then ended up involved with a married man who's had a crush on me since high school. That last thing is still going on and I guess I'm getting back to blogging to try to straighten it all out in my head.

I see: the beauty in the souls of people
I need: to see reality a bit more, I'm too much of a Pollyanna
I find: life surprises me everyday
I want: everyone to find happiness
I wish: I could fix everyone and erase the pain of their past
I hate: not knowing
I miss: the passion
I fear: losing again
I feel: a little too much lately
I hear: one of my favorite songs: Hat Full of Stars by Cyndi Lauper
I smell: man. sweat. in my sheets. that doesn't mean what you'd think it might anymore.
I crave: another child
I search: for all the answers
I wonder: who's gonna catch me if I fall
I regret: wasting too many years with the wrong person

I hope you dance...

"Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider"

You've been on my mind and heart a lot lately. So many things I'd like to say...but it wouldn't be fair to you to dump that part of my head. I think you understand what remains unspoken.

I understand the hell you are going through. Oh do I understand and how I wished I could save you from that pain. Because you really don't deserve it. But you have to go through it. There is no other way. And it has to be done solo. But it doesn't make me miss you any less. Like you once said about me, you too light up a room. That smile might be dampened for awhile but my hope for you is that someday it will shine again. I've seen into that soul and it, like the rest of you, is beautiful.

I've thought a lot about things the last few months. I don't know why such things happen. Why us? Why not us? We are good people. We deserved more. If there is a God why would he want two such wonderful human beings to suffer so in the prime of our lives. Life has dealt you a raw deal on too many occasions...

I used to have all the answers. Now all I have is questions.

I only know this. I have never connected on such a level with another human being as I connected with you. I think you are one of the most spectacular people in the universe. Your eyes sparkle with a zest for life that few other people I've ever known have. As cheesy as it sounds, when I think of you I think of that old black and white movie with that line "I want to live!". We both want to live in a world without the pain and the sting of rejection we've known. We both deserved so much better than what we accepted for too long... I have no idea what the future holds, I don't know if I played a bit part or the part of a lifetime. I just know that my life is much better for having known a person of your caliber. You were always respectful, never played games, and were always 100% genuine. I can't think of too many men I can say that about, especially of our generation.

I know the stuff you are made of my dear. Its the same stuff I am made of, you know the whole splitting atoms bit. It was an observation. A profound one and I will never forget it. I still have my moments of weakness, my chinks in the armor but those scars-- the skin is stronger there. I hope one day you can see your beauty more than you can see those scars. I hope one day you feel deserving of all that life has to offer you. ALL of it. Someday, I hope you dance.

The first time and every time I hear this song, it reminds me of you, your sweet spirit and gentle heart.


I Hope You Dance lyrics
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder how he's doing...and I think he knows that. He's always going to have a very special piece of my heart. I miss him very much.

My spiral didn't go the way I intended. I did things I cannot say I am proud of but it was short and sweet and no longer term damage was done, I think. I just had to get out of my head for awhile and found someone who was more than willing to let me do that for as long as it lasted...

Sometimes, when didn't even know you were thirsty, life hands you lemonade. And all the rules and preconceived notions you have about things get thrown out the window. And its a good thing. I've stopped planning my life and started living it.

Its been a spectacular week. I think perhaps it is because my outlook and attitude on life has changed and I've allowed good to flow freely in and accept things I didn't even know I needed or deserved.

Life is good. No, life is great! For the first time, I am starting to appreciate the unknown-- what the future holds and enjoy the absolute now.

Absolutely fantastic. I'm enjoying every second immensely.

Finally something was timed just right ;-) Atom may have taught me to find my voice but Will, he is teaching me how to dance through life again and its amazing.

I forgot how completely awesome this song is...came to me in the shower this morning. Its really about how I feel right now. I'm sick of being blamed for everyone else's bullshit...I'm done repressing crap for everyone else's sake. I'm not sorry. ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS.


Express yourself, dont repress yourself (repeat 4 times)

Chorus:

And Im not sorry [Im not sorry]
Its human nature [its human nature]
And Im not sorry [Im not sorry]
Im not your bitch dont hang your shit on me [its human nature]

You wouldnt let me say the words I longed to say
You didnt want to see life through my eyes
[express yourself, dont repress yourself]
You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room
And silence me with bitterness and lies
[express yourself, dont repress yourself]

Did I say something wrong?
Oops, I didnt know I couldnt talk about sex
[i musta been crazy]
Did I stay too long?
Oops, I didnt know I couldnt speak my mind
[what was I thinking]

(chorus)

You punished me for telling you my fantasies
Im breakin all the rules I didnt make
[express yourself, dont repress yourself]
You took my words and made a trap for silly fools
You held me down and tried to make me break
[express yourself, dont repress yourself]

Bridge:

Did I say something true?
Oops, I didnt know I couldnt talk about sex
[i musta been crazy]
Did I have a point of view?
Oops, I didnt know I couldnt talk about you
[what was I thinking]

(chorus)

Express yourself, dont repress yourself (repeat twice)
Express yourself, dont repress yourself (repeat twice)

(bridge)
(chorus)

(chorus, with the following spoken substitutions)
[Im not apologizing]
[would it sound better if I were a man? ]
[youre the one with the problem]
[why dont you just deal with it]

(chorus, with the following spoken substitutions)
[would you like me better if I was? ]
[we all feel the same way]
[i have no regrets]
[just look in the mirror]

(chorus, with the following spoken substitutions)
[i dont have to justify anything]
[Im just like you]
[why should I be? ]
[deal with it]

totally retarded and need my ass kicked. Seriously.

Spent a little bit of last night and this night reading over my old Blogspot journal and all I can say is WOW. I've come a very long way in the past 9 months. And what a journey it has been. The mistakes I've made, the lessons I've learned. Amazing. Some things were choices, some with good results, others with unintended consequences. I've dodged a bullet or two. This week I would be due with my 2nd child. Thankfully that didn't happen. I cannot imagine what life would be like if I was stuck with Nick.

Reading over that has definitely given me a better perspective with regards to some of my current friends and their situations. Some of them are much further along than me, others are farther behind. All we can do is be there for each other, trust one another, be an open ear and heart and refrain from judging. When it comes down to it, all I can say is you've come a long way baby, yet so much further to go.

Me. I'm just freaking happy I am not stocking up on diapers this week.



Shadow on the Wall
By Brandi Carlile

Gone, it's hard for me to see when I'm wrong / It's hard for me to weep when I'm strong / But I can never sleep when you're gone / Hope, but still, if you were gonna crucify me / I wouldn't want nobody to see / Cause you could kick me hard when I'm down

down down down

I don't want to be / Nobody's fool / I played that part so many times before

And how I long to be / A shadow on the wall / I would make no sound at all / And when the sun goes down / The shadow on the wall / It cannot be seen at all / At all

For real, hey it's not that you would mess with my head / I believe you believe what you said / You think you know me best and you care / But that's not fair / Cause I don't really want to be saved / It must have been the way I was raised / To sleep with one eye open I'd say

hey hey hey

Well I don't want to be / Nobody's fool / I've played that part so many times before

How I long to be / A shadow on the wall / I would make no sound at all / And when the sun goes down / The shadow on the wall / It cannot be seen at all / At all

And how I long to be / A shadow on the wall / I would make no sound at all / At all

It was a good enough day and I am wiped out. Below is another quote from my wonderful friend. It is actually from the author of a book I recommended to Atom recently ironically. I love these daily quotes; this one was emailed as he was in Bogota, Columbia. Now that's a dedicated friend, eh?!

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
~ Melody Beattie

Battling lots of "little demons" lately despite all the fun I've been having socially and so I'm thinking of starting an additional "spiritual-type" journal. Something to chronicle this two steps forward, one step back journey to enlightenment.

Writing, for as piss poor as I am at it, is really cathartic for me. Maybe I've just read too much Kerouac and write without stopping to compose. My english/grammar/spelling skills have gone to hell. At my old job, my "other title" was Spelling Nazi. Regardless of my "skill level", it clears my head, puts things in perspective, sheds new light.

I will keep you posted on what I come up with...the search for a clever address/title may take me a few days. With as much as Aaron & I have been talking about all things spiritual, I think I need to journal some of the stuff I've been coming up with. I've been itching to go to the Dali Museum and think I will take the Chicklet Saturday after we go on our group kayaking outing, maybe that will inspire something...Dali usually does.

Why the fuck is everyone's life in such shambles? 2 shitty things going on to 2 very good friends today. I just don't get it. There's got to be something better in store for everyone. We all deserve so much more than this. My heart aches for everybody.

So it was therapy day. I'm back to once a week instead of every 2 weeks since so much has been going on lately. Trying very hard to relax and know that time and the legal system will run its course. I'll try anything to get the pit out of my stomach. The good part is I'm losing plenty of weight. The Gang and I joke around about the "divorce diet". One of the books I'm going to write after I live through this. The funny, or not so funny part is, our spouses decided they were done with many of us when we lost significant amounts of weight. Oh the irony.

The highlight of the day was Aaron, who always knows when I need a lift and sent me a video pertaining to our fascinating and fun conversation Saturday night until the wee hours Sunday morning. He has this amazing ability to know when I need a laugh. It was Sam Kinison which absolutely must be watched with an empty bladder. Aaron is very awesome friend who is very good at listening. I seem to have a lot of those available lately even though I don't really feel like talking except to a chosen few.

I am very lucky despite it all.

I have a whole slew of albums that I will be giving my daughter when she's "coming of age". Think of that scene in Almost Famous when the sister leaves the note to her little brother "Look under your bed, it will set you free".

Music is probably the one thing that helped me survive those years (and these years as well)...

Little Earthquakes is one of those albums. I must be on my 10th CD-- they've been scratched, lost, given away...and it was worth every purchase, every time. From start to finish, every song has meaning. Every song reminds of something. I could get really complex, the way I feel about each song, but the lyrics really speak for themselves and mean something different to every person. Some things are difficult to put into the written word so I won't. See the links to listen on YouTube, the new "MTV on demand" ;-)

Songs as follows and some of my favorite lines
1. Crucify...reminds me of THEE struggle with self-esteem. The hardest person on me seems to always be...me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRmqRS3I2-w
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird

2.Girl...Being "everybody else's girl" instead of my own first. This song is kind of my anthem lately
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVoBdtHLpns
And castles are burning in my heart
And as I twist I hold tight
And I ride to work every morning
Wondering why
'Sit in the chair and be good now' And become all that they told you

3.Silent All These Years...Its very easy to forget your voice...its a wonderful thing to 'hear again'"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmGnEFu-1_0
Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy

4. Precious Things...Oh boy this song was Zoe's. She claimed it. We would sit in the parking lot and listen to this over and over again. It was completely her and I can really relate to elements now. The piano intro on this song is amazing.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HLL6ON18vGI
He said you're really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
Can you believe that
Sick, sick, holding on to his picture
Dressing up every day
I wanna smash the faces of those beautiful boys
Those Christian boys
So you can made me cum
That doesn't make you Jesus

5. Winter...This song makes me get all reminiscent about living up north that year, my first year of college...the year that many things changed
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnboUbOGDOM
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice "Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

6. Happy Phantom...Just a fun song to sing in the car. Many hours driving to this one. This song is like many of the dreams I've had--- full of great visuals
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BwWtMHNDws
There's Judy Garland taking Budda by the hand
And then these seven little men get up to dance
They say Confucius does his crossword with a pen
I'm still the angel to a girl who hates to sin

7. China... Divorce song. Definitely. You're right next to me but I need an airplane...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HMQXCRBXhd8
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build the great wall around you
In your eyes I saw the future together
You just look away in the distance

8. Leather...I think this song speaks for itself...too many times this has been in my head
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jEMqm35PybATo
Look I'm standing naked before you
Don't you want more then my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
But I can't claim innocence...
I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't Hold what I hold dear

9. Mother...This song reminds me of my marriage. The piano in the begining reminds me of American Beauty
http://youtube.com/watch?v=HMQXCRBXhd8
I walked into your dream
And now I've forgotten how to dream my own dream...
And when I dance for him
Somebody leave the light on just in case
I like the dancing
I can remember where I come from

10. Tear in Your Hand...This song was the synopsis of the first relationship I had as an adult with Mister Benjamin. My friends and I used wonder in class as we sat there doing our Drawing assignments what kind of ice cream Charles Manson likes? Now I'll bet its vanilla.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ec29MoRJfTM
All the world is danging...
Dangling'...Danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand...
Maybe I ain't used to maybes
Smashing in a cold room...

11. Me and A Gun...This is self explanatory. Not going there today. I've dealt with enough of that subject lately
http://youtube.com/watch?v=scXMYl1UmBk
It was me and a gun
And a man on my back
And I sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants
You can laugh
It's kind of funny things you think
at times like these
Like I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

12. Little Earthquakes...I did an art piece of this song in high school. Its such a visual song.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7NRgjwsYTko
Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces...
We danced in graveyards
With vampire till dawn...
Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again.

RIP Bo Diddley.

I've been meaning to post this since the day I heard the news but I haven't really known what to say. The music speaks for itself. Really, that's the way it SHOULD be. Man that cat could make that instrument really sing...

Ayn Rand

I was turned on to Rand during high school by a conservative Economics teacher. That was supplemented by watching The Fountainhead with the sensual Patricia Neal and chiseled Gary Cooper. What a movie!

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me. (MY FAVE RIGHT NOW)

Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.

From the smallest necessity to the highest religious abstraction, from the wheel to the skyscraper, everything we are and everything we have comes from one attribute of man - the function of his reasoning mind.

Love is the expression of one's values, the greatest reward you can earn for the moral qualities you have achieved in your character and person, the emotional price paid by one man for the joy he receives from the virtues of another.

People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight. All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it, don't sit looking at it - walk.

The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.

Dave Ramsey

I have to thank two people for turning me on to Ramsey...I'd heard of him, even listened a little bit but two of you were most persistent about "Uncle Dave" and really got me fired up. You have guided my life in many ways since I was young, dumb and 14...so to say "I should have listened more" would be an understatement. Now I'm listening! Thank you for your patience with me!

“This is not a game, ... Debt has become a part of who we are. It's become that spoiled child in the grocery store with their lip stuck out: 'I want it. I want it. I deserve it because I breathe air.' And, well, that's an uphill climb in our culture right now, to go against that and say, 'Hey, let's be grownups here. Let's be mature, learn to delay pleasure, save up and pay for things.”

"To think that the handling of your personal finances is merely a matter of math control is naive. You must get better control of all aspects of your life. Until you do, [even the best advice] will have little effect but will instead be neutralized by the other habits in your life."

"Winning at money is 80 percent behavior and 20 percent head knowledge. Most of us know what to do, but we just don't do it."

"I'm not against people having new cars. I'm against them having you. We spend a tremendous amount impressing somebody at the stoplight who we'll never meet. It makes you broke and keeps you broke."

"Live like no one else so later you can live like no one else!"

"My financial life began turning around when I took responsibility for it." (MY FAVE RIGHT NOW)

"Get in Total Attack Mode. All you have to do is execute, execute, execute now. If your friends that are broke aren’t making fun of you, then you are not on track. If your family says, “Look, they’ve joined a cult!” then you are right on track."


Zig Ziglar
Dave Ramsey turned me on to Zig. My ex had a bunch of his books-- just owned them, never really read them. I think I even "gave a few away" practically on eBay without really looking at them a few year ago. I guess the time wasn't right for me & Zig. Now I get it.

“Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.”

“Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you.”

“If you learn from defeat, you haven't really lost.”

“Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street.”

“If you want to reach a goal, you must 'see the reaching' in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal.”

“The foundation stones for a balanced success are honesty, character, integrity, faith, love and loyalty.”

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.”

"Many of us go to the grave with our song still in us" (MY FAVE RIGHT NOW)

There are 3 big things that occurred in my childhood that are the roots of the issues I carry with me today. I will be dealing with these before I do anything else.

The first occurred in the summer of 1985 and involved death. An unexpected, brutal death that basically woke me out of my childhood at age 9.

The second occurred in the summer of 1987 and involved an act, a crime perpetrated against an innocent 11 year old girl. I have unconsciously let this determine my value as a woman for far too long. That "girl" took way too much of the blame for something that really was none of her fault.

The third occurred throughout my high school years 1990-1994 and involved domestic violence that would be tolerated by all involved for far too long and result in certain behaviors being accepted by me from the men in my life up until the Fall of 2007.

Bad things happen to everybody. I don't think any parent ever sets out to do a crappy job. Some people are just too young when they have kids. If they're really lucky, a support system of real adults may help fill in the gaps where they lack. But still, there are always gaps. The key is dealing with that past, forgiving, not necessarily forgetting because "temporarily suppressing" is what has brought it along 20 years to begin with, accepting what is NOW and trying to build on those current relationships not hold grudges for the past.

Processing coming soon. Computer brain rebooting for a refresh start.

It is very good day when you put on something that didn't fit a year ago (silk pajamas) and now it's falling down. YAY ME! So I am progressing toward knocking the last of the weight out by the end of the summer and I've committed to a 5K in September. Funny the first time I heard of it I was like "I can't do that" and almost instantly the "new me" said "what the hell, I KNOW I could do that. NO. I WILL DO THAT. NOW is the time". Failure is not an option. I've written it down, signed up for goal keeping on Orkut, spreading little motivational quotes around the house, etc. For whatever reason, that just works for me.

I just turned on PBS and there is a fascinating show on the brain. Great insight into me. 20 minutes of that was almost like the last 2 months in therapy. I'm adding this to my "gonna read" list. Its called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel Amern.

Did you know cats use practically ZERO of their pre-frontal cortex? Yeah, that explains everything. Cats don't give a shit. Oh to be a cat. Speaking of cats, my cat Chloe is my new hero. She killed the brown recluse spider that I spotted in the garage a couple of weeks ago and have been trying to kill. She killed it and dragged it to my bedroom as a "present" for me. Good kitty. My boss and I ordered a bunch of traps online because we've got a problem with spiders in the warehouse as well.

After a "time out"...

Her: Mom, you're mean
Me: No I'm not, I'm just disciplining you
Her: No, you're mean, Brittany's mom doesn't discipline her
Me: I guess you've just never seen her discipline her or someone's lying. Discipline is parent's job.
Her: Her mom is her friend
Me: I am your mom
Her: No you're JUST supposed to be my friend
Me: No, I'm your mom FIRST
Her: Nooooo!!
Me: If I'm just supposed to be your friend then who's gonna to be your mom?
Her: You
Me: Exactly
(she laughs)
Her: OH.

This is the same child who decided to cut her own bangs last night to "celebrate" her graduation. I was sitting right next to her in bed, editing photos on the laptop when I hear a "Hey mom look!" and SNIP. Right in the middle of the bangs. Nothing that could be covered up. I laughed my ass off instantly. It was just a natural reaction, I couldn't help it . I took her in the bathtub, evened it up and then hid all the scissors and explained to her why she goes to a hair dresser for such things.

I told my mom today and she's like WHERE WERE YOU??. Jeez, its not like she injured herself. I was in my bed RIGHT next to her. She had her "kid scissors" because I let her cut and glue magazine pics for "art projects". I said give me a break I cannot have my eyes glued on her 24 hours a day. They were kid scissors. Its not like I left a child (or in her case a pair of kids) home alone when they were sleeping to sneak over to the neighbors to smoke joints all night** Ahem. Funny how parenting standards change with each generation, eh?

**yes, my parents did this frequently and were dumb enough to tell me about it. Don't tell me its because "it was the 70's."

I don't like to fight. Maybe that's why its taken me so long to get divorced. Maybe I didn't think I was strong enough for the fight. I don't know. I've been trying extraordinary hard lately to stay positive and "in the now". But when it comes to my kid, this mama lion willing to fight to the death to protect her cub.

I just found out that on Sunday she rode in my monster-in-law's (that sounds extreme but I'll give you 5 minutes with her and you'll agree) Jaguar without a booster/car seat. NOTHING. Where was the booster/car seat you might ask? In her father's car. I called him and asked him to confirm what his daughter told me. He said yes it was true. I asked if he was too lazy to retreive the car seat from his car. He said "well, my mom just said she didn't need one". Excuse me?? Last time I checked she was OUR kid, not your mother's. Your mother doesn't get to make those decisions!! Your mother didn't give birth to her. Your mother isn't much of a "mother" to begin with. BE THE FUCKING PARENT FOR ONCE G!!!

Was your mother's God going to protect my daughter as she rode improperly restrained in her overpriced, pretentious car?? And where in THE HELL was my father-in-law in all of this? He's an attorney, he should KNOW the law. Oh but I forgot, he never stands up to my monster-in-law. You want to talk about a worn down man. There's not much left of him, he's been completely emasculated.

I don't have a problem with Jaguars, believe me. I am the daughter of a car NUT. I've had more cars than I have fingers. My dad has always had more money sunk into his cars than his house. But the fact that YOUR car cost more than my house still isn't going to protect my daughter.

Maybe I am extra pissed because on Sunday night my daughter also told me she didn't take a bath/shower ALL weekend-- that's THREE days in a row. HELLO?? Where is the adult?? Last time I checked I didn't make this kid alone.

Both incidents are borderline neglect. The car seat incident breaks the law. I didn't need a college education or a law degree to figure that out. My "little working class" parents (how the MIL refers to them) know what the law is. Apparently common sense does not come to some people naturally or maybe its just flat out being arrogant and lazy.

I'm trying to be nice, I'm trying to give everyone a chance to have a relationship with her even through this divorce but I am not going to sacrifice her safety and freaking hygene to make these idiots happy. I felt bad for awhile that I waited so long to get this divorce, maybe I should have done it when she was younger. Now I'm grateful she's old enough to tell me about these things.

Vent over and out.

Oh goodness, I just checked the silliness that is Facebook. My friends have listed me as #1 most adventurous, #1 most outgoing, #1 most athletic (I guess they're counting weight loss so the past 18 mos), and scientific. I don't even want to know what that means. I guess I'm an experiment in process. I find the whole thing funny. Hey-- wait, where is #1 Hottness? HELLO??? I never noticed that was on the profile before. Well, at least I AM the only person to get 100% on the Intelligence test but that is only because I really READ the sentences.

Anyway, enough being silly. But I have to say I enjoyed the laugh.

I'm doing more meditation classes. Its very similar to the yoga classes I've taken only less "body" more "mind quieting" focuses. That seems to be the best way for me lately. I think a lot of us had our mindsets changed that first night we all did it together. Its very hard to be still and quiet and to let things go.

I heard a quote on Dave Ramsey yesterday and it struck me as kind of profound yet simple if that makes the slightest bit of sense. He was responding to a caller about a life situation. With him, its usually about personal finance, but really, it could have been about anything in life. I rewound the podcast and wrote it down.

"Its not for forever. Its just till you get your mess cleaned up and THEN you'll go play. Grown ups clean up their house first."
Thank you Mr. Ramsey, again, for lighting the way. Here's to cleaning up the mess, ALL OF IT.

I leave you with a website I have discovered and throughly enjoyed:
http://www.zen-moments.com/

Bruce Lee. Another Sagittarius, maybe that would explain his intensity? Same birth week as me not that I can even compare but maybe that's why I can relate to the way he says things? I know Sag is not the only intense sign, but it is definitely one of them. Maybe it has something to do with being born during the "holiday season" and having to compete for the attention and recognition?? Every Sag I know seems to have an inborn drive to succeed. Just a thought... I could be totally wrong. That happens sometimes :)

Here are five of my favorite Bruce Lee quotes. I have been fascinated with the man for about 2 years now. He never ceases to amaze me...

"You cannot force the Now. — But can you neither condemn nor justify and yet be extraordinarily alive as you walk on? You can never invite the wind, but you must leave the window open."

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable." Probably three of the most beautiful sentences I've ever read.

“Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential.”

"Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successfully personality and duplicate it.

"The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering."